Writing

An Argument Against Intelligent Design: Pooping is Weird (a little satire or something)

I cannot speak authoritatively on Intelligent Design (ID). I'll go the way of a lazy writer and include a Wikipedia excerpt to explain ID.

[Intelligent Design] is a religious argument for the existence of God, presented by its proponents as “an evidence-based scientific theory about life’s origins”,[1][2] though it has been discredited as pseudoscience.[3][4][5] Proponents claim that “certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection.”
— Wikipedia ~ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligent_design

If you're eating, about to eat, or thinking about eating, my suggestion is to stop here and visit another site. I say again (sorry, military radio habits), stop here and navigate to another wonderful page of internet distraction. If you're still here, well, you've been warned. I got home late and had some work to do. I was interrupted. By the need to poop. Yes, I've just violated all remaining vestiges or adherences to civil etiquette - I admitted that I poop.

I put on a kettle of boiling water for a deliciously inexpensive cup of Nescafé Clasico before I headed to the water closet loo gents powder room to poop because 1) I'm an incurable night owl and 2) I'm weird. Hold on, the kettle is now done, I'll be right back. Yikes, I got carried away with the Nescafé dump (no pun intended). This is going to be a double dose of deliciously inexpensive Nescafé.

Where was I? That's an overused and often disingenuous construct in writing, the where am I. But rest assured, I really was wondering where my brilliant thesis had gone during my trips to two adjacent portions of my apartment. I just used the number 2.

Pooping is weird, and it should serve as Exhibit A that no intelligent design went into getting us to where we are. It seems we really don't have to go that much further in the theorem. If it starts with the idea that an all-powerful, omnipresent, omniscient, celestial being decided to put us here with the power to botch things so royally that He (A She would not have messed things up like this) had to get a carpenter's wife pregnant with a son who would later be crucified so that we could poop free from sin, then I don't think we can call it Intelligent Design. 

Before you send me hate mail, I should add some caveats. I am not attacking or belittling your faith. Most of my family is religious, and I respect that it offers them some moral and spiritual clarity. I don't have a better suggestion or theory as to how the universe started. I believe something or someone had to wind the clock. That makes me agnostic, I think. And while I don't believe that something or someone was the god handed down to us by some men in the Near East, I don't have a better, more concrete theory. I just think that the very necessity of us having to poop, pee, and drink 8 glasses of water a day is evidence that the design wasn't very intelligent. I've cursed at pieces of IKEA furniture that I thought were more worthy of the phrase.