Standard warning - this might get a little non-linear. The 10 people who read this weird blog know what they're getting into, but I like to provide a warning so the people in Finland looking to hire a flailing American freelancer aren't put off.

A dead battery and a deep mystery. The Cosmos do not want me running errands. I headed out to the Subaru today to take it to a car wash and change the oil. The dead click on the key warned me that even the most poorly thought-out plans of mice and men often go awry.

Ok, inactivity or a light has left me adrift. Hmmm, the driver side door looks not entirely closed. I must have left it open. My camping chair that hasn't seen any camping, tire gauge, and headlamp are almost certainly gone. They weren't, but the seat seemed to be in a strange position.

I popped the hood. Ugh, so many leaves...this is embarrassing. The cap on the coolant thingmajig was open. Someone had tagged the white surface of the only white surface thingmajig (sorry for the technical car talk, try to stay with me) under the hood with "Jesse Sux 2051". WTF is going on?

Good news - the NOCO Boost Plus GB40 works. It didn't work at first, which led to a string of colorful language. I retreated, regrouped, and did some research on the ominous-looking red override button. Here's how NOCO describes it. The NOCO is completely safe. You don't have to worry about anything. If you get the + and - wrong, no worries blah blah blah. If that doesn't work, it means the NOCO can't find any sort of charge. Time for the red button, and all bets are off. Ugh, I'm going to blow up a portion of Capitol Hill.

The override worked. I'm not sure I let the car run long enough, so I may be doing it again tomorrow, but I'm relieved that it works, and that my actions have not created a toxic crater.

Why would someone take the time to get into my car, not take anything or leave anything (have you seen The Other Guys?), pop the hood, graffiti something in really great handwriting, etc.

I doubt they thought I was Jesse. And if they did, well it's their surveillance skills that suck. If you're going to target a silver Subaru in Seattle, man, you need to do your homework. It's a target rich environment.

I'm not a car guy. My dad could probably sort out this mystery, but when it comes to mechanical investigation, I'm a Clouseau, not a Poirot.

Color me flummoxed. I know there's a market for catalytic converters, but that's the extent of what I know about catalytic converters. I'm pretty sure they're not under the hood. I'm also pretty sure the car would have sounded awful when I started it if the catalytic converter were no longer with us.

I pride myself on remaining calm in tense situations. So I did the only sensible thing. I walked over to Corvus and had a Rainier on their patio. I bumped into V and S, who were finishing up their Tuesday book club. It's a different mousetrap of a book club. They show up with the books they're reading, which aren't the same books, and they talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. I dig it.

I'm home now, having walked past my Jesse Sux 2051 2014 Subaru. I didn't have the courage to test the FOB thingmajig. Do they really dislike Jesse, or is it some sort of I'm Jesse, I've poured salt in all of your fluids, and I am willing to acknowledge that I suck(x)? Was this a Crime of Opportunity? Oh look, that car door is unlocked, I'm armed with a Sharpie, and I bet there's some engine coolant under that hood?

Obviously, the Jesse Sux, the coolant, and the dead battery could all be a coincidence. It really is still 2020 after all. I know Occam's Razor is cliché these days, but I remain a fan. Too many coincidences.

Life in the big city, I tell ya. I'm going to score some revenge and blast a little Rick Springfield. Maybe I'll print up a Jesse Sux 2051 t-shirt.